There’s one in every foursome. He arrives at the course with the swagger of a PGA pro and the game of someone who once chipped a ball into the club house parking lot—and celebrated it. You know him. You may even be him. Let’s talk about Slope Guy.
Slope Guy starts the day by squinting at the scorecard like it’s a NASA launch manual.
“What’s the slope rating here?” he asks, pretending he understands what that means. Nobody answers. We’re still in the parking lot. One guy’s putting on sunscreen and another’s just trying to find his left shoe.
Once we reach the first tee, he’s laser-focused.
“This course is a long one boys. Hope you're ready”
“Y'all know the course record?”
“Are the bunkers real sand or that fake stuff?”
Meanwhile, he’s showing us his new swing he picked up from Tik Tok. Odds are his first shot lands somewhere between the fairway and a Little League field two towns over. He'll nod like it was part of the plan.
This man—this majestic mystery—is asking about pin placement like he’s preparing for Augusta. Meanwhile, he’s lining up his 7th putt like he’s defusing a bomb, while the rest of us are trying to figure out where the beverage cart went.
Don't forget the bunkers. The glorious bunkers. He finds every trap like they owe him money. He’ll stand there, half-buried like a tourist on spring break listening to Dave Matthews Band scooping sand out like he’s building a moat.
“Told you guys these bunkers were the fake stuff, man,” he grunts, blaming the geometry of the trap.
No, Christian. You just dug a trench. This is not Normandy.
But here’s the thing: we love Slope Guy. His unsolicited advice. His laser rangefinder he clearly doesn’t need. The way he says “fade” when he means “slice.” It’s all part of the magic. While he’s asking the marshal if the greens run true, we’re secretly checking our watches to see if it’s an acceptable time to pop the cooler.
By the 14th hole, reality sets in. The scorecards are useless, dignity has been sacrificed, and the only thing that matters is whether the beer is still cold and someone remembered to bring...well...extra brews of course.
To all the Slope Guys out there: keep asking those questions. Keep pretending you know the difference between bentgrass and Bermuda. You may be the 'Most Confidently Clueless Player' on the course, but you’re the best entertainment we’ve got. At the end of the day, you'll look most confident in Wedgies gear.